Creativity and Creation

23^rd Feb 2011

Sitting by the wooden hold of the Veranda on the second floor of her house, I saw her smile seeing me. I have never been kissed on the forehead and stared at eye like that from a lady. I could see the presence of another life inside her.

It was never a feel that I can never express in words. Is it a thanking smile for making something happen , that she thought will ever happen. I have seen everything, well I have seen it happen , but am I the winner? , because I just made it happen.

The thought took many turns as I nodded with a tight lip and waived a good bye. I am never gonna see her again.

22^nd Feb 2011

Speaking to Jeff on the call, explaining on how the product works and where the issue is , I saw someone message me . No one had messaged me over years, it was a strange feeling. The message was a thanking note . I called the number which showed Mano on the truecaller.

“Are you still there on the call?” , Jeff asked . I returned back to the call, after an hour of analysis, which turned out be a user error due to wrong OS , I ended the call.

I called, it was Mano on the call and she thanked me for what I had done. She said, “I have not even told Dhass about this yet, I don’t know what he is gonna feel about this, but let me tell you, it was all because of that night , it is a strange one but I am sure he is gonna be happy with the outcome “

I had no words to tell, the feeling was that of an achievement. The presence of people around other people,  can make life happen and help in creation.

18^th Dec 2010- 11 PM

Dhass was someone I met at the bar. The kind of guy who spoke everything, when the drink flowed in. We had met on a dull day when I expected a silent drink and a calm ride back to home on the cab.

“I never drank my whole life” , “know why I am drinking today ?” , “ Today is the day I realized that nothing matters other than a failure in marriage because you cannot have kids “ .  This was the very dialogue that made me shoo away from him.

Don’t know why, but an evil force went through me and I got back to the table and asked, “Well, did you stop shagging ?” . He caught me on my shirt and said , “SOAB Everything is fine , doctor says it is fine, I am happy with her, do you know what , maybe it is because you are right , I must start to shag again“ .

The conversation that started at that point made me land somewhere else that night, and made me do something that I am never ever gonna be proud of for the rest of my life .

The modulation with which he spoke, the very expression of his words made me sit for a discussion . The crowd rarely cares if someone shouts at a bar, well I was ready for a fight, was he ready for it, well that was what entered my mind at that moment. Don’t know why , but I felt sad for him , I patted his back and ordered two drinks and sat down the table. Dhass cried, don’t know what he saw in me , but he apologized and held down his head staring at the floor .

We started to discuss about women, porn , puberty. I must say , well maybe the psycho analyst in me started to function. The whole thing ended up till the moment when, “he met this beautiful girl and decided to live his rest of the life with her, he never told her name “.

The thing about virginity and being a porn addict is something strange . You want to see people do it , because you never did it and have only seen it . Having read books like Nancy Friday, Men in love, My Secret Garden, Rathi Rathikaram, I knew about women’s fantasies and men’s fantasies. I asked him, what he loved the most while mating and his favorite positions and his wife’s favorite position and the acts.

Then, I asked him, what his problem was . He said, everything was alright . I asked him to connect me to his wife on the phone. Sometimes, we get the guts to speak of things, we cannot even think of. I still don’t remember what I spoke, but I remember being punched on the face by Dhass after the call. Maybe I was a little too loud.

Hours later, I found myself inside a car. Dhass was driving it , I remember a lady  carrying me with Dhass on my right and putting me on the couch near the bed. They wash my face. I am high , I am also frustrated and scared with what just happened the whole night.

“Are you going to kill me ?” , I asked out of fear. With a murderous laugh, she removed her clothes and Dhass was already prepared. What followed was something , I never expected myself to even think of. I cheered for the couple and started slapping their faces while they were doing it in front on me.

It was like watching a live porn, at one point, I even remember one of the faces on my lap and me rubbing her eyebrows with my finger , the face was resting on my lap. Sometimes, life makes you land at places that you never even dream of.

Moments when you realize that you are just a dummy asshole who got too much self respect and a high self esteem that you just don’t wanna loose it even though the whole moment seems to demand it.

19 Dec 2011, 8 AM

I woke up on a bed that I had no clue about, I hardly recollected what happened, all I knew was I had seen something I never wanted to see. I got up, there was Dhass and his wife getting ready for the Office . I said sorry , the lady laughed and hugged me.

Dhass dropped me back home and apologized. I apologized back and before getting down from the car , I  asked his wife’s Name. He replied , “Manupurni”.

Entering the 27th year of my life

I write this blog as I complete 26 years of life as a single man. I expect to find a woman hopefully in this year of my life. 

Life teaches you many things, you realize the importance of being what you are in order to be what you want. 

I still feel that someone is watching me all the time. In case , if there is one, I hope he/she confronts me and we have a beer together and end it up with  a good chat. 

There was this great person who once told me , all that you need in life is the happiness of your parents, true happiness without a single drop of stain or flaw. 

I need to find the deeper meaning of the above one .

I still have around 120-130 years ahead of me , with the way science is progressing, I am sure that I have not even completed quarter of my life yet. 

Life is big, I still got long to live , probably blog more in the coming stages if time permits. 

Kishore

Marriot Residence Inn

San Mateo

Here is what I want - Elope to a world where I need to do loads of cleansing and polishing

I want anonymity , the freedom to walk everywhere without being noticed.

I want to be special in front of at the max 5 people in my whole lief tiem.

Why do I blog if I want anonymity?

It is because I need to open and realize the flow of my thoughts at some point. Internet is the safest place to do it. I tell it to someone who in-turn be part of my life, then I can be taken advantage of.

Even if I am taken advantage of, I would prefer it is done by someone whom I am going to live my whole life with . Someone who is within my reach , someone who knows me and I know of.

Are you possessive?

I don't know, I have never got a comment like that around my circles. Possessiveness is good , given that you are willing to share and change the needy. I would never have realized that without my sister.

How often do you prefer seeing new people ?

I don't mind seeing new people, but I do prefer meeting few new people. My past is going to live with me regardless of whom I am with and what my surroundings are.

What if your past changes and turns out to be something that you never imagined it was and the realization comes that the story was written from a fully different perspective ?

I would accept the reality and move on. My perspective is what I see. Your perspective is what you see. If there is someone who can change my vision, it is going to be someone who has seen me in years, who has known be for the person I am and thinking about me at least once a week.

Why do some people prefer to stay away and act affectionate and don't do anything useful when the time comes ?

I don't know, sometimes we never change and it is very difficult for us to accept the fact that someone we saw in a manner is no longer the same. Sometimes we pacify ourselves stating that it is just an act, a play that is going on and be a character that you are not and join the gang, sometimes we just are ourselves and found annoying to live on with what is happening (at-least in front of others).

Over years, how much have you changed, where do you see yourself in 10 years?

I am a person who wants to live for 100 years, so I would answer to where do you wanna see yourself in 100 years, I would prefer to live the last years of my life at my hometown where I belong. I would wanna see my next 3 generations blossom and be around me at least for 2 weeks every year.

How long are you going to  be part of the software industry ?

I became part of the software industry at the age of 9 when I wrote my first QBASIC code. I still remember the UI and most of it. I was always good at debugging, probably the reason I chose a destructive job.

Today was one of those days when I saw a completely pessimistic presentation of a person who was totally destructive minded like me. To the question of where you would want to see yourself in 10 years, I would like to take his seat in 10 years, that would be my answer .

To the question of how long in the software industry , I am gonna be there as long as programs as executed as stacks.

What are you going to do when the programs are no longer stackular ?

I am going to the college labs again to figure out what is the new bottle they drink and taste it . I will also figure out how to transform the new DS to a stack so that I am not lost in balance.

The language of my Thoughts

I write this blog thinking of what language do I need to use to think.

I know 6 languages now , the 6th one is barely known to me in the form of thoughts as I never tried to think in Kannada, it was more of Sanskrit. Sometimes, there are moments when we think :

Is this the life that I am supposed to live.

Maybe this blog might not be read by anyone else other than me, so let me start opening the book again.

Attached below are the normal queries which you will want to find answers for:

1. Will you ever be in a relationship : No maybe Yes
2. Even when people around you are in 30s and 40s and you would want a hand of friendship : I would explore my surrounding. If I fail, I might run away.
3. Is Bangalore your city to live : I dont know
4. Do I belong to this place where I am bloggin from: I again dont know


I dont find energy around me so I have to generate it from inside. I need family, I need friends, I wanna go back .

It is good when nothing is expected.


aah , i need energy !!! where are my boots.

When the unexpected becomes unavoidable

Life is mystery even for the ones living it with a plan.

This is the chapter where the sword sharpened to fight battles turns out to be used for cutting veggies.

This is the time when you bleed a drop of tear for your uncle who fought his entire living-hood for one sake , MOTHER

This is the occasion when a family thinks , why like this at this crucial moment.

Appa decided to take up the promotion exam as he wanted to get a higher pension and wanted to retire as an OFFICER.

I decided to buy a house because I wanted to take some burden something worth living for .

Now comes the turning point of them all. My father is moving to Bangalore .

I am not sure what tomorrow is , but am sure that my mother needs to come here or else, he needs to go there atleast twice a month.

2.7 years, I am counting down from this day so that my appa and amma are back together.

Times that make us feel, there are things like destiny and karma exist.

An Introverts sense of the world

Introverts stand up only when none stand up. The world is just a place where a cycle of events take place, which humans try to understand via logical reasoning. 

As per thoughts, every birth has a purpose. The prime one being ,carving out the next generation. The system happens to be the playground where no rules are defined and everyone lives without the justification of every second or moment. Things just happen and you are supposed to by pass the moments as if you were part of the drama too. 

Dealing with such incidents, I lived a day where I found a self which could add to any event which lead the completion of a so called day. You wanna laugh, you cry , you wanna cheer, you boo. You are numb, then you find yourself cracking jokes. 

Sometimes, you are idle thinking of what next , without a clue of what the next thing is going to be. Living the same day matters to many people as they are used to it. 

Hope things change as big turns in roads are taken. I have been to nations where people were seen rejoicing the inner being , I wanna be like them , but never am I gonna end like them.

Mind is a strange thing , it is neither chemical nor impotential , there is something which can make this work and something which can make it punctured. Life never responds to what the mind eves to .  

77.8 percent of people speak about movies in 65% of their conversations.30 %, they spend on speaking about girls and. The current generation characterizes these are normal beings. Well, what do they do in the 5 % will be the question. Right? Well, they speak about TV series and youtube vids. 

10 percent speak about politics ,science and fiction. 

5 percent speak about religion. 

The rest live 7.2 their lives to see it becoming the celluloid . 

Another ability , I am not sure if I got via by atts is the ability to see if a person is waiving a good bye. They see it months before the hand lifts itself to waive. Time is also something which is calculated if you have the ability to track. 

There is an internal clock ticking which I can sense , the quartz is still there in the body and it makes that clocking noise . Aah , I got decades to live. Stories to tell, moments to cherish, generation to churn , 

Hope it turns out what life wanted to end up being. 

When the search for Optimism ends

As I write this blog on the Midnight where the new year awaits me in 40 minutes, all I tend to do is blog at the moment.

The day started with a dream to see the video of Ramta Jogi (the song I am currrently listening to) .

All sites worked fine except Ramta Jogi on the Morning of this Tuesday , the 31st Dec of 2013 .

Suddently , a call from Appa .

The lion has stopped roaring. It found the zoo to be very bad and was keen on returning to the Den. But , life was too late to make it to the tiem.

Off the 14 odd hours of this day , I spent 6 hours in front of the dead body of periyappa.

Life sometimes makes the day the most unexpected affair of the year.

2013 was the year , I searched for optimism , the time when I searched for my innate self for the definition of what it needed to be .

The gate is opening. End of blog.

Hope the next year fares well too :)