23rd Feb 2011
Sitting by the wooden hold of the Veranda on the second
floor of her house, I saw her smile seeing me. I have never been kissed on the
forehead and stared at eye like that from a lady. I could see the presence of
another life inside her.
It was never a feel that I can never express in words. Is it
a thanking smile for making something happen , that she thought will ever
happen. I have seen everything, well I have seen it happen , but am I the
winner? , because I just made it happen.
The thought took many turns as I
nodded with a tight lip and waived a good bye. I am never gonna see her again.
22nd Feb 2011
Speaking to Jeff on the call, explaining on how the product
works and where the issue is , I saw someone message me . No one had messaged
me over years, it was a strange feeling. The message was a thanking note . I
called the number which showed Mano on the truecaller.
“Are you still there on the call?”
, Jeff asked . I returned back to the call, after an hour of analysis, which
turned out be a user error due to wrong OS , I ended the call.
I called, it was Mano on the
call and she thanked me for what I had done. She said, “I have not even told
Dhass about this yet, I don’t know what he is gonna feel about this, but let me
tell you, it was all because of that night , it is a strange one but I am sure
he is gonna be happy with the outcome “
I had no words to tell, the
feeling was that of an achievement. The presence of people around other people,
can make life happen and help in
creation.
18th Dec 2010- 11 PM
Dhass was someone I met at the bar. The kind of guy who
spoke everything, when the drink flowed in. We had met on a dull day when I
expected a silent drink and a calm ride back to home on the cab.
“I never drank my whole life” , “know why I am drinking
today ?” , “ Today is the day I realized that nothing matters other than a
failure in marriage because you cannot have kids “ . This was the very dialogue that made me shoo
away from him.
Don’t know why, but an evil force went through me and I got
back to the table and asked, “Well, did you stop shagging ?” . He caught me on
my shirt and said , “SOAB Everything is fine , doctor says it is fine, I am
happy with her, do you know what , maybe it is because you are right , I must start
to shag again“ .
The conversation that started at that point made me land
somewhere else that night, and made me do something that I am never ever gonna
be proud of for the rest of my life .
The modulation with which he spoke, the very expression of
his words made me sit for a discussion . The crowd rarely cares if someone
shouts at a bar, well I was ready for a fight, was he ready for it, well that
was what entered my mind at that moment. Don’t know why , but I felt sad for
him , I patted his back and ordered two drinks and sat down the table. Dhass
cried, don’t know what he saw in me , but he apologized and held down his head staring
at the floor .
We started to discuss about women, porn , puberty. I must
say , well maybe the psycho analyst in me started to function. The whole thing
ended up till the moment when, “he met this beautiful girl and decided to live
his rest of the life with her, he never told her name “.
The thing about virginity and being a porn addict is
something strange . You want to see people do it , because you never did it and
have only seen it . Having read books like Nancy Friday, Men in love, My Secret
Garden, Rathi Rathikaram, I knew about women’s fantasies and men’s fantasies. I
asked him, what he loved the most while mating and his favorite positions and
his wife’s favorite position and the acts.
Then, I asked him, what his problem was . He said,
everything was alright . I asked him to connect me to his wife on the phone.
Sometimes, we get the guts to speak of things, we cannot even think of. I still
don’t remember what I spoke, but I remember being punched on the face by Dhass
after the call. Maybe I was a little too loud.
Hours later, I found myself inside a car. Dhass was driving
it , I remember a lady carrying me with
Dhass on my right and putting me on the couch near the bed. They wash my face.
I am high , I am also frustrated and scared with what just happened the whole
night.
“Are you going to kill me ?” , I asked out of fear. With a
murderous laugh, she removed her clothes and Dhass was already prepared. What
followed was something , I never expected myself to even think of. I cheered
for the couple and started slapping their faces while they were doing it in
front on me.
It was like watching a live
porn, at one point, I even remember one of the faces on my lap and me rubbing
her eyebrows with my finger , the face was resting on my lap. Sometimes, life
makes you land at places that you never even dream of.
Moments when you realize that
you are just a dummy asshole who got too much self respect and a high self
esteem that you just don’t wanna loose it even though the whole moment seems to
demand it.
19 Dec 2011, 8 AM
I woke up on a bed that I had no clue about, I hardly
recollected what happened, all I knew was I had seen something I never wanted
to see. I got up, there was Dhass and his wife getting ready for the Office . I
said sorry , the lady laughed and hugged me.
Dhass dropped me back home and apologized. I
apologized back and before getting down from the car , I asked his wife’s Name. He replied , “Manupurni”.
