Birth of Thoughts

When one feels awakened, he gets to have this very presence of morality and ability to be fair and judge wise.

Vendetta is born when one is not awake.

What awakens a person is the guilt

Here I stand oh! lord with my arms stretched and shoulders wide

To embrace the fruits of the very life that is vested on me to enjoy

Creation v/s Destruction

Destruction has been the motto of humanity in this kaliyuga. Whether destruction of self or destruction of others, the motto of all our lives have been destruction. The most interesting fact being, the reason for the atrocities created by us is for the sake of one thing, success . 

Personal success or professional success does not matter anymore, the success I see is through the destruction of this world. 

Someone takes up to the profession of having sex before the camera and justifies it as self realization and feeling of getting to live a dream life. I have been a virgin and still am one. It is almost 26.4 years passing by , almost 1/6th of my life time in this state. Once a wise man said, you gotta do what you got to do . Well, he meant something , the world took something else out of it. 

The whole thought happened on this very day , someone close to my heart , someone I thought will be around me, well he has taken a decision to move on with life. The way we see things are different from the way others see it. That is the moment , I felt that I need to move on with life . The last year has been pretty tough on me. But, I have been tough with my life too. Vegas, SFO, Reno, Ladakh, Kashmir and lots more. Unknown people, of various races joining together for one common thing. Destructive celebration where one sells skin or their life again for the sake of one thing, success . 

In the process of celebration, we forget how destructive does our mind get in the motto , well sometimes I feel that has been hard coded in us. Huh, things are subject to change, this is the decision I take in my life, I am here to create constructive work out of my destructive mind. I help others, speak to strangers, make friends, give my best destructive thoughts for constructive ideas for the betterment of this world. I have always been a negative minded guy who always did what he wanted to do. I keep telling about defending the nation, well my motto is slightly different, I am not going to Kashmir and shoot a bunch of people and say I won. I am going to end things forever in such a manner that both sides are successful. I did not take birth in world for the sake of my name to appear on this blog or at some memorial.

What am I here for ? Wellll ....  I keep saying all the time, I have a vision. What is that vision ? The truth is there is no vision . All I know is , I can make a loser a successful guy . That is what I can do . Does that mean, I am gonna start a lottery business . No, I am not here to run a money machine , the whole definition has been , it is not about the number of cash have matters end of the day, but the number of lives that you made that day . 

End of all days, I want it be in such a way that this is the place I lived those days and this is where I planted the seeds of my tomorrow . 

It took an IIM 94' grad 22 years to become what he is today , well all he is getting to that he could have done then is happening. The fruits of success needs to be enjoyed in such a way that the appetite is served in a long meal rather than a short heavy one. I am not here for becoming a millionaire in one day. The first million is gonna take 4 more months if I the same guy that I know of. 

Someone more important to me is completing his 10 years at the company . I have accompanied him for 4 years and this is the running fifth. Live is one big explosion of thoughts , that depends on how you use the energy , you consume it slow and steady , else, it becomes one hot mess that is unable to go be cooked any further . 

TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT . 

Creativity and Creation

23^rd Feb 2011

Sitting by the wooden hold of the Veranda on the second floor of her house, I saw her smile seeing me. I have never been kissed on the forehead and stared at eye like that from a lady. I could see the presence of another life inside her.

It was never a feel that I can never express in words. Is it a thanking smile for making something happen , that she thought will ever happen. I have seen everything, well I have seen it happen , but am I the winner? , because I just made it happen.

The thought took many turns as I nodded with a tight lip and waived a good bye. I am never gonna see her again.

22^nd Feb 2011

Speaking to Jeff on the call, explaining on how the product works and where the issue is , I saw someone message me . No one had messaged me over years, it was a strange feeling. The message was a thanking note . I called the number which showed Mano on the truecaller.

“Are you still there on the call?” , Jeff asked . I returned back to the call, after an hour of analysis, which turned out be a user error due to wrong OS , I ended the call.

I called, it was Mano on the call and she thanked me for what I had done. She said, “I have not even told Dhass about this yet, I don’t know what he is gonna feel about this, but let me tell you, it was all because of that night , it is a strange one but I am sure he is gonna be happy with the outcome “

I had no words to tell, the feeling was that of an achievement. The presence of people around other people,  can make life happen and help in creation.

18^th Dec 2010- 11 PM

Dhass was someone I met at the bar. The kind of guy who spoke everything, when the drink flowed in. We had met on a dull day when I expected a silent drink and a calm ride back to home on the cab.

“I never drank my whole life” , “know why I am drinking today ?” , “ Today is the day I realized that nothing matters other than a failure in marriage because you cannot have kids “ .  This was the very dialogue that made me shoo away from him.

Don’t know why, but an evil force went through me and I got back to the table and asked, “Well, did you stop shagging ?” . He caught me on my shirt and said , “SOAB Everything is fine , doctor says it is fine, I am happy with her, do you know what , maybe it is because you are right , I must start to shag again“ .

The conversation that started at that point made me land somewhere else that night, and made me do something that I am never ever gonna be proud of for the rest of my life .

The modulation with which he spoke, the very expression of his words made me sit for a discussion . The crowd rarely cares if someone shouts at a bar, well I was ready for a fight, was he ready for it, well that was what entered my mind at that moment. Don’t know why , but I felt sad for him , I patted his back and ordered two drinks and sat down the table. Dhass cried, don’t know what he saw in me , but he apologized and held down his head staring at the floor .

We started to discuss about women, porn , puberty. I must say , well maybe the psycho analyst in me started to function. The whole thing ended up till the moment when, “he met this beautiful girl and decided to live his rest of the life with her, he never told her name “.

The thing about virginity and being a porn addict is something strange . You want to see people do it , because you never did it and have only seen it . Having read books like Nancy Friday, Men in love, My Secret Garden, Rathi Rathikaram, I knew about women’s fantasies and men’s fantasies. I asked him, what he loved the most while mating and his favorite positions and his wife’s favorite position and the acts.

Then, I asked him, what his problem was . He said, everything was alright . I asked him to connect me to his wife on the phone. Sometimes, we get the guts to speak of things, we cannot even think of. I still don’t remember what I spoke, but I remember being punched on the face by Dhass after the call. Maybe I was a little too loud.

Hours later, I found myself inside a car. Dhass was driving it , I remember a lady  carrying me with Dhass on my right and putting me on the couch near the bed. They wash my face. I am high , I am also frustrated and scared with what just happened the whole night.

“Are you going to kill me ?” , I asked out of fear. With a murderous laugh, she removed her clothes and Dhass was already prepared. What followed was something , I never expected myself to even think of. I cheered for the couple and started slapping their faces while they were doing it in front on me.

It was like watching a live porn, at one point, I even remember one of the faces on my lap and me rubbing her eyebrows with my finger , the face was resting on my lap. Sometimes, life makes you land at places that you never even dream of.

Moments when you realize that you are just a dummy asshole who got too much self respect and a high self esteem that you just don’t wanna loose it even though the whole moment seems to demand it.

19 Dec 2011, 8 AM

I woke up on a bed that I had no clue about, I hardly recollected what happened, all I knew was I had seen something I never wanted to see. I got up, there was Dhass and his wife getting ready for the Office . I said sorry , the lady laughed and hugged me.

Dhass dropped me back home and apologized. I apologized back and before getting down from the car , I  asked his wife’s Name. He replied , “Manupurni”.

Entering the 27th year of my life

I write this blog as I complete 26 years of life as a single man. I expect to find a woman hopefully in this year of my life. 

Life teaches you many things, you realize the importance of being what you are in order to be what you want. 

I still feel that someone is watching me all the time. In case , if there is one, I hope he/she confronts me and we have a beer together and end it up with  a good chat. 

There was this great person who once told me , all that you need in life is the happiness of your parents, true happiness without a single drop of stain or flaw. 

I need to find the deeper meaning of the above one .

I still have around 120-130 years ahead of me , with the way science is progressing, I am sure that I have not even completed quarter of my life yet. 

Life is big, I still got long to live , probably blog more in the coming stages if time permits. 

Kishore

Marriot Residence Inn

San Mateo

Here is what I want - Elope to a world where I need to do loads of cleansing and polishing

I want anonymity , the freedom to walk everywhere without being noticed.

I want to be special in front of at the max 5 people in my whole lief tiem.

Why do I blog if I want anonymity?

It is because I need to open and realize the flow of my thoughts at some point. Internet is the safest place to do it. I tell it to someone who in-turn be part of my life, then I can be taken advantage of.

Even if I am taken advantage of, I would prefer it is done by someone whom I am going to live my whole life with . Someone who is within my reach , someone who knows me and I know of.

Are you possessive?

I don't know, I have never got a comment like that around my circles. Possessiveness is good , given that you are willing to share and change the needy. I would never have realized that without my sister.

How often do you prefer seeing new people ?

I don't mind seeing new people, but I do prefer meeting few new people. My past is going to live with me regardless of whom I am with and what my surroundings are.

What if your past changes and turns out to be something that you never imagined it was and the realization comes that the story was written from a fully different perspective ?

I would accept the reality and move on. My perspective is what I see. Your perspective is what you see. If there is someone who can change my vision, it is going to be someone who has seen me in years, who has known be for the person I am and thinking about me at least once a week.

Why do some people prefer to stay away and act affectionate and don't do anything useful when the time comes ?

I don't know, sometimes we never change and it is very difficult for us to accept the fact that someone we saw in a manner is no longer the same. Sometimes we pacify ourselves stating that it is just an act, a play that is going on and be a character that you are not and join the gang, sometimes we just are ourselves and found annoying to live on with what is happening (at-least in front of others).

Over years, how much have you changed, where do you see yourself in 10 years?

I am a person who wants to live for 100 years, so I would answer to where do you wanna see yourself in 100 years, I would prefer to live the last years of my life at my hometown where I belong. I would wanna see my next 3 generations blossom and be around me at least for 2 weeks every year.

How long are you going to  be part of the software industry ?

I became part of the software industry at the age of 9 when I wrote my first QBASIC code. I still remember the UI and most of it. I was always good at debugging, probably the reason I chose a destructive job.

Today was one of those days when I saw a completely pessimistic presentation of a person who was totally destructive minded like me. To the question of where you would want to see yourself in 10 years, I would like to take his seat in 10 years, that would be my answer .

To the question of how long in the software industry , I am gonna be there as long as programs as executed as stacks.

What are you going to do when the programs are no longer stackular ?

I am going to the college labs again to figure out what is the new bottle they drink and taste it . I will also figure out how to transform the new DS to a stack so that I am not lost in balance.

The language of my Thoughts

I write this blog thinking of what language do I need to use to think.

I know 6 languages now , the 6th one is barely known to me in the form of thoughts as I never tried to think in Kannada, it was more of Sanskrit. Sometimes, there are moments when we think :

Is this the life that I am supposed to live.

Maybe this blog might not be read by anyone else other than me, so let me start opening the book again.

Attached below are the normal queries which you will want to find answers for:

1. Will you ever be in a relationship : No maybe Yes
2. Even when people around you are in 30s and 40s and you would want a hand of friendship : I would explore my surrounding. If I fail, I might run away.
3. Is Bangalore your city to live : I dont know
4. Do I belong to this place where I am bloggin from: I again dont know


I dont find energy around me so I have to generate it from inside. I need family, I need friends, I wanna go back .

It is good when nothing is expected.


aah , i need energy !!! where are my boots.

When the unexpected becomes unavoidable

Life is mystery even for the ones living it with a plan.

This is the chapter where the sword sharpened to fight battles turns out to be used for cutting veggies.

This is the time when you bleed a drop of tear for your uncle who fought his entire living-hood for one sake , MOTHER

This is the occasion when a family thinks , why like this at this crucial moment.

Appa decided to take up the promotion exam as he wanted to get a higher pension and wanted to retire as an OFFICER.

I decided to buy a house because I wanted to take some burden something worth living for .

Now comes the turning point of them all. My father is moving to Bangalore .

I am not sure what tomorrow is , but am sure that my mother needs to come here or else, he needs to go there atleast twice a month.

2.7 years, I am counting down from this day so that my appa and amma are back together.

Times that make us feel, there are things like destiny and karma exist.